The official "Totally Off Topic" Joke thread.

[Schultz]

With jokes popping up lately I thought why not start a joke thread, I guess the only rule is try to keep them somewhat clean.....

I'll start:


One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies.

He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have
no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going
to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let
one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first
room.

In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing,
empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such
was his fate in hell.

"No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think
I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the door of the next room.

In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was
swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant
agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Obama.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the
bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose.
Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can
handle this."

The devil smiled and said .. . . . .

"OK, Monica, you're free to go."




IN GOD WE TRUST

 

[Red Hat]

Love it! Got to pass that around!

 

[Frost]

Senior Moment

Here's a quote from a government employee who witnessed a recent inter-action between an elderly woman and an antiwar protester in a Metro station in DC.

"There were protesters on the train platform handing out pamphlets, on the evils of America . I politely declined to take one."

"The elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young (20-ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined. The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice the young lady said, "Lady, don't you care about the children of Iraq ?"

The old woman looked up at her and said, "Honey, my father died in France during World War II, I lost my husband in Korea , and a son in Vietnam . All three died so you could have the right to stand here and badmouth our country. If you touch me again, I'll stick this umbrella up your ass and open it."

 

[Dave29461]

WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST?

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question,
'When you die and go to Heaven...which part of your body goes first?'

Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.'
'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'
Suzy replied, 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.'
'What a wonderful answer!' the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I think it's your feet.'
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.

'Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?'
Little Johnny said, 'Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, Oh ! God, Oh God, I'm coming!' If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her.'

The Nun fainted.

 

[mcdaniel]

One of the few emails I receive that I thought worth passing on. I am generally very quick with the delete button, but this made me laugh. I find it to be pretty witty.

For those that don't know about history ... Here is a condensed version:



Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1 . Liberals
2. Fiscal Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture.Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum canwere invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed. Just look at the Irish.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement...

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. They became known as girlie-men.Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.


Over the years fiscal conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass for obvious reasons.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish

but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard

liberal fare.. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers,personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers

in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud or Miller. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big game hunters, rodeo cowboys,lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, small business owners, truck drivers, whiskey makers, travel consultants, real estate people, developers of property, CPA's, pimps, bartenders, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively.

Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals
remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history:

It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to piss them off.

 

[fordnut]

FREE KITTENS

A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the sidewalk in
front of her home. Next to her was a basket containing a number of
tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS.
Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her. Out of the
lead car stepped a tall, grinning man.
"Hi there little girl, I'm President Obama. What do you have in the
basket?" he asked
"Kittens," little Suzy said.
"How old are they?" asked Obama.
Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet."
"And what kind of kittens are they?"
"Democrats," answered Suzy with a smile.
Obama was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called
his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens.
Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two men agreed that the
president should return the next day; and in front of the assembled
media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.
So the next day, Suzy was again standing on the sidewalk with her
basket of "FREE KITTENS," when another motorcade pulled up, this time
followed by vans from ABC, NBC, CBS and CNN.
Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Obama got out
of his limo and walked over to little Suzy.
"Hello, again," he said, "I'd love it if you would tell all my
friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away."
"Yes sir," Suzy said "They're Republicans."
Taken by surprise, the president stammered, "But... but...
yesterday, you told me they were DEMOCRATS."
Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know. But today, they have their
eyes open."

 

[Schultz]

I thought this sounded good! Here is a turkey recipe that also includes
the use of popcorn as a stuffing ingredient -- imagine that. When I found
this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who just are not
sure how to tell when turkey is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give
this a try.

8 - 15 lb. turkey
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is Good)
1 cup un-popped popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHER'S LOW FAT IS BEST)
Salt/pepper to taste
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush turkey well with melted butter, salt,
and pepper.
Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan making sure the
neck end is toward the front of the oven, not the back.
After about 4 hours listen for the popping sounds.
When the turkey's ass blows the oven door open and the bird flies across
the room,.... it's done.

 

[Frost]

A guy cruises thru a stop sign, and gets pulled over by a local policeman.
Guy hands the cop his driver's license, insurance verification, plus his concealed carry permit.

"Okay, Mr. Smith," the cop says, "I see your Concealed Weapon Permit. Are you carrying today?"

"Yes, I am."

"Well then, better tell me what you got."

Smith says, "Well, I got a .357 revolver in my inside coat pocket.
There's a 9mm semi-auto in the glove box. And, I've got a .22 magnum derringer in my right boot."

"Okay," the cop says. "Anything else?"

"Yeah, back in the trunk, there's an AR15 and a shotgun. That's about it."

"Mr. Smith, are you on your way to or from a gun range...?"

"Nope."

"Well then, what are you afraid of...?"

"Not a damn thing..."

 

[Range Master]

What goes "Clip Clop, Clip Clop, BANG, Clip Clop, Clip Clop"?

An Amish drive-by shooting!

 

[C_Carson]

A guy wearing an expensive three piece suit is approached by an armed thug as he walks down a street in Washington D.C. . The thug put's his gun in the mans's ribs and states "Give me you money." The well dressed man replies "Don't you know who I am? I'm a US congressman." At that point the thug replies "In that case, give me my money!"


******************************************************************


I went to a coworker's house for dinner the other day. I had worked with him for awhile, but it was the first time I got to meet his little girl. She was adorable, and as I like kids I got to chatting with her. She was only 7 but smart as a whip. So I asked her what she wanted to be when she grew up. She said President. I looked at her parents, they beemed with pride.
I asked her what she would to help the country? She said with a big smile that she was going to give the poor lots of money so they aren't poor anymore. Again her parents beemed with pride. Knowing her parents were very liberal democrats I decided to make an offer to their daughter.
I told her she didn't have to wait to until she was president to help the poor. She got excited and asked really? I said yes, I have a lot of yard work to be done, and if she wanted to come over and do it for me I would pay her 50 dollars, but after I paid her, before I brought her home I would take her buy the liquor store where the town bum likes to hang out and beg, and she can give the money she earned to him.
She mulled this over and finally said, why doesn't he just come over and earn the 50 dollars by doing your yard work?
I beemed with pride and said Welcome to the Republican Party.....I went home hungry.

 

[Schultz]

Blondes Are The Best!!!

A blonde & her husband are lying in bed
Listening to the next door neighbor's dog..
It has been in the backyard barking for hours & hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says,
"I've had enough of this".
She goes downstairs.

The blonde finally comes back up to bed
And her husband says, "The dog is still barking,
What have you been doing?"

The blonde says,
"I put the dog in our backyard,
let's see how THEY like it!


++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Two Blondes With Hammers...

Lynn & Judy were doing some carpenter work
on a Habitat for Humanity House.
Lynn was nailing down house siding,
would reach into her nail ,
Pouch, pull out a nail & either toss it
over her shoulder or nail it in.

Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, '
Why are you Throwing those nails away?'
Lynn explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch,
about half of Them have the head on the wrong end
& I throw them away.'
Judy got completely upset & yelled,
'You moron! Those nails aren't Defective!
They're for the other side of the house!'

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Did you hear about the two blondes
who froze to death in a drive-in movie?

They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter.'

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

You might have to think twice about this one.

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip
Of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency
Room doctor asked her.

'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.

'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting
Off your finger?'

'No, Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, &
Then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants...

I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'

'So then?' asked the doctor.

'Then I put the gun in my mouth, & I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00
To get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'

'So then?'

'Then I put the gun to my ear, & I thought: 'This is going to make a
Loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the
Trigger.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A blonde was driving home after a game & got caught in a really bad
Hailstorm.. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it
To a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he
Decided to have some fun... He told her to go home and blow into the
Tail pipe really hard, & all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands & knees & started
Blowing into her tailpipe.. Nothing happened.. So she blew a little
Harder, & still nothing happened.

Her blonde roommate saw her & asked, 'What are you doing?' The first
Blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the
Tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes & said, 'Uh, like hello!
You need to roll up the windows first.'

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


A blonde was shopping at Target &
came across a shiny silver Thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up & took
It to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos.....
It keeps hot things hot, And cold things cold.'

'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!'
So she Bought the thermos & took it to work the next day.

Her boss saw it on her desk.
'What's that,' he asked?

'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot & cold things
Cold,' she replied..

Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'

The blond replied......
'Two popsicles &some coffee.'

+++++++++++++

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.

Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?'

The blonde replies,
'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that
My mother had passed away.'

The boss, feeling sorry for her, says,
'Why don't you go home for the
Day? Take the day off to relax & rest.'

'Thanks, but I'd be better off here.
I need to keep my mind off it &
I have the best chance of doing that here.'

The boss agrees & allows the blonde to work as usual.
A couple of hours pass & the boss decides to check on the blonde.
He looks out from his office & sees the blonde crying hysterically...

'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks.

'No!' exclaims the blonde.
'I just received a horrible call from my
sister. Her mother died, too!'

 

[Schultz]

The little girl on a plane.

A Congressman was seated next to a little girl on an airplane so he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about global warming, universal health care, or stimulus packages?" as he smiled smugly.

"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care, or the economy, when you don't know shit?" and went back to reading her book.

 

[lafayette gregory]

No sex since 1955

NO SEX Since 1955


A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala
event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies
in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for
conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very
serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said,
"It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation,
said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy
yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't
take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had
sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You
really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She
took his hand and led him to a private room where she
proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare
chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since
1955."

The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I
hope not; it's only 2130 now."

(Gotta love military time)

 

[carsontech]

Re: No sex since 1955

Awesome! lol.

 

[Dave29461]

Controlling Costs

A Rabbi's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the
congregation and asked for a raise.
After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the Rabbi's
family expanded, so would his paycheck. After six children, this
started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another
meeting to discuss the Rabbi's expanding salary.
A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much
the Rabbi's additional children were costing the shul, and how much
more it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the Rabbi rose from his
chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God and we will take as many
gifts as He gives us. Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back of the shul, little old Mrs. Goldberg struggled to stand,
and finally said in her frail voice,

'Rain is also a gift from God, but
when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.'

The entire congregation said, 'Amen!'

 

[Frost]

 

[Avtomat-Acolyte]

 

[Avtomat-Acolyte]